I have been troubled these last few days so I have let many thoughts roam in my head and the confusion of man drift in my heart. I am not stuck on a word, but I am troubled by my love; not my love of another, but how ‘man’ could be so troubled by my love of another whom I may love deeply.
Most people dream of falling in love and getting married. As a child we might fantasize about our wedding, the house we will own, and the job we may have. No one thinks one day I might grow up to be gay and involve myself in a civil union –wouldn’t that be nice to dream? Whether straight or gay, we all have the same wants and desires equal to anyone else. However, when you grow up and you realize you might be different, instead of a husband you desire a wife. Suddenly, you question everything and if you are lucky, you fight through the lies. No one should ever be told they are going to hell, but it happens every day –and no one has a bulls-eye on their back like someone who is gay. No one should ever have to work so hard to bring peace between themselves and their savior because the world tells them Jesus loves you, but not you faggot. It’s all a lie.
The organization Family First should rethink its name and meaning. Family first should not be an organization dedicated to stopping the gay ‘agenda’. Yes folks, I have an agenda and it’s geared toward ruining families. I have worked very hard at destroying mine. I have spent my life trying to heal my family, trying to heal so I can love them unconditionally, but God forbid I want to start my own –I might apply some of those lessons I have learned and raise them right. No, family first should be focused on love, teaching families to love unconditionally –to not judge, to listen, to learn how to talk to one another, to bring the family back in family. A family is not a man, woman, and child, but the love between the people involved; the dedication to growing together, this is what defines a family. Family is a choice –unlike who I am draw to and attracted to –I choose to be a part of my family. Blood does not make family, love does. Love is what separates us from being mere parasites in this world. Love IS our redemptive quality. Without love, we are merely just taking from this world for our own gratification: this is the reality that I see: I do not call you my mother because you gave birth to be, but because you loved and nurtured me –this, the love you gave me, makes you my mother. You may not be perfect, but you loved me the best you could and you taught me to love the best I can love: this makes you my mother. The act of one, taught me to love those who love less than me. If I family is thriving it lifts each family member up in love. If it is dying, it sinks without love.
It truly breaks my heart when I see people out there spewing these lies in the name of Christianity. I fought long and hard not to let these people destroy my love in Christ –and let me tell you this, it is not easy. It requires soul searching, research and an undying love in Christ to not let these people infest me with fear. I will never live merely by the law, because I am human. I am not perfect and no matter how hard I try, I know I will fail to be anything more than a person evolving in this world. However, I know my faith in love. I know I am a person who is growing and not wilting in this faith. I do not fear change, or revolution. I fear being stagnant in my faith. I fear the person who holds so tight to the words in a book, they forget to listen to the words in their heart. I fear the person who bleeds tradition dry and leaves us with nothing to look forward to in life: change IS the only constant. I am not suggesting we abandon tradition: I am suggesting that we redefine it.
I see in this country, we are so fearful of change that we will bail out those involved in the art of corruption because we believe without them we will fall. We will hold on to the sinking boat before we let go and believe we have the ability to swim. Is this what we have come to –we will die in our fear before we trust in faith? We give too much faith to those we believe are above us and not enough faith to the living word of our hearts given to us in love. Yes, we have in us the very tools we need to truly survive: by survive I mean live. Living your life in fear is not living: it is existing in a primordial state. Fear is meant to keep us in a state of non-thinking, merely reacting. Fear causes a reaction, love gives a response. Love allows us the ability to heal; to be without fear is to love without condition –to be whole through the power of love. Fear is a condition of the mind: to allow the survival of existence –and only existence. I choose to do more than exist. I choose to live in love –and a part of my love is to find one person to love unconditionally in this life.
I think it is a crime of the spirit to hear those out there say ‘to me’ I do not have a right to marriage. Some might argue that it is just a word –well then, I would argue back –what’s the big deal? For me, the big deal is that I actually do hold that word sacred, not in some false delusion that marriage is roses and white linen, but because real marriage is the grit and dirt of the world. Marriage, when taken serious is the bond of two souls, to walk through this life together and get their hands dirty in the process. Marriage is the heartache and the rebirth of love. It can teach you so much about yourself and if true love really exists between the two people involved, it can push you to grow out of yourself and into someone you never thought you could be –all in one life time. It is the silent words on a death bed because words fall short of what you feel for that person; it is the breathe of life in a tender moment when your world just about falls apart –they, yes they keep you together; it’s the moments no one else sees because only the two of you get it; its more than a word –and marriage is the most universal institutions out there. Love is universal and indiscriminate. Love between two souls, united as one, is beyond the realm of conformity–who is going to tell me that I do not have a right to this because I love outside your comfort zone? I have a right to have MY LOVE recognized just as your love is recognized. I have a right to the same hardship and the same reward for sticking with it –I have a right to love her, just as I do him; and I have a right to have my love honored as equal. My love is not about you: it is about us.
Marriage, that WORD means something to me. If I have my right to that word it does not change your right to it. Your marriage is defined by how you grow in your marriage; how you love in your marriage defines your marriage. My right to marry does not change your right to do the same: it does not take away from the sacredness of your marriage. To validate my marriage does not invalidate yours. I am a gay Christian in Christ and I believe in marriage –and in my heart I believe if I love a woman and I marry her, it does not change my love in and for Christ, or his love for me. You, who believe different, can not change this truth in my heart. I know what is in my heart: I know why I love. I know that Christ is in the love I share, the love I give. I give it from my heart, pure of worldly fear, free of the lies. I do not love in doubt. Rather, I love in faith. I love knowing that if I succeed in this one area of my life, I know where I am going: I know that if I marry it is out of love. You can not regulate love, you can not ban love. Whether you write discrimination into a constitution, or on a sign in a protest, one thing remains: marriage exists on a level devoid of your fears and bigotry. Marriage exists in the hearts of the two people united together. Marriage does not discriminate based on sexual orientation: it is and always will be something sacred between to souls. I will live my life loving ‘always’ from my soul through my heart: this is how Christ exists. You can not ban my love by denying my right to a word. Love will prevail.
Written by Christa Lamb, Nov 2008