A Blog of Self Examination


A Blog of Self Examination

In our country there has been a call for change. Many of us have embraced it and a few skeptics question the truth of the change ahead. For me, I believe change is coming. This means a time of profound change in my own life; the ability not to write for the eyes that read, but for the heart that listens; the knowledge that fear is the paralyzing force in my life, and that in many ways, I can be my own worst enemy.

Today, I hold a mirror up to myself and ask one simple question –what is it you want? The answer I come up with time and again is a vision in my head; a vision that seems so obtainable, but yet –so far from the truth of where I sit. I have my list of what it is I want to do in this life and my biggest fear is getting to the end of it still saying ‘I have my list of what I want to do in my life.’  I dread that day. Instead, I want to get to the end of my life with one thing left on it to do. That one thing would be to have smile at the end.

The biggest fear I have is not giving up and getting nowhere. I have always been the person, who says that if you never give up then you never truly fail, but what about always trying and feeling the pain that comes with a lack of success? Each time, it gets a little harder. Take writing for example. I will write this and in essence I will put my heart into it. Why? The answer is, if I am going to do something, I am not going to hold back –I am going to put all of myself into it. Any other way, is just not me. And in doing that there is the expectation that people should somehow appreciate it –and at times, they do. Yet, those moments when I write something that I know I put my heart into and I get silence on the other end –for me, that’s one of the worst feelings. Does it mean it wasn’t appreciated? No. What it means to me is that I just didn’t get anything back.

When you put your heart into something, by default the heart is impacted. The reward is when you give and you receive in turn. Knowing you gave from the deepest part of yourself, left yourself vulnerable, opened yourself in expression is one of the hardest challenges for a person and comes with the greatest fear. However, it is what we all crave on a deeper level. It is one reason we value artists, song writers, and poets. The most enigmatic people in history, who inspired us, touched us, gave to us were some of the loneliest people, not because they didn’t have anyone in their life. It is that they gave more then they could possibly get back. They had expectations and no matter how famous they were or weren’t, no matter who said what, it will always come back to the times they didn’t get anything. Why would that be? I now understand it. Those times that lacked reciprocation were the times where success became measured, where fear became the stone
wall with a painted image of failure, where happiness became elusive –where the creative mind fell in on itself. They became their own worst enemy.

Within self examination, I can not help but proclaim that I will no longer be my own worst enemy or measure my successes in life by the moments where loneliness reigned. Nor will I measure them in the moments where I stood on the mountain top, overlooking the wonder of life, filled with joy. Both moments warrant authenticity and an acknowledgement from the heart, but neither of the two are fair measurements of success, or failure. Rather, I will measure my success by the moments where clarity and contentment fill my heart, where my mind was at rest in this existence, where thought was tranquil, and life was understood in silence.

These moments are defined in success, not defining of it. They are the moments, when alone or surrounded by thousands of people, you understand your journey as an individual; you are awake in awareness and you make the conscious choice to give of yourself through positivity in this life. It does not matter if someone else gets it, or shares in your vision. What matters is that you get it –that I get it. I have the ability to give of myself open and honest: this ability scares me. I often wonder to myself if there is something wrong with me. Yet, when I look beyond the tendency toward self deprecation, the answer I find is –no. There is nothing wrong with me. I think it is one of the most beautiful qualities that make me unique. If I share, it is not for the people who are reading this, but for the people who listen from their hearts: those are the people I give my words to, not in hopes they will give back –just in hopes that what I have to say
makes a small difference in some way.

I have my list of what it is I would like to achieve in this life and this is my year of change. I will make my difference by stripping away my fear and choosing to be my own companion on this journey of transformation. I will not measure success by today, nor tomorrow –but by each breath I take in truth, knowing today I have made a difference that will be seen tomorrow. My list is best compared to seeds waiting to be planted. I can not grow a garden by staring at the ground wondering why it won’t product for me. Instead, I have to work it, fertilize it, and turn it over several times. Then I have to plant the seeds and wait –not thinking what if they don’t grow? Rather, I wait knowing that one day because of my care; I will have something to show for my work. This is how I should approach my life.

The end result of all of this –a smile to share, if with no one else –myself.

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